Monday, December 15, 2008

When 7-11 Is Out of Beef Jerky.....

Wow.... wow...Make your own jerky gizmo .....

"Spice up your snacking selection. This versatile kit lets you quickly and easily create your own jerky strips, sticks, or double strips. Add the included spices to your choice of ground meat for flavor that suits your tastes. Includes jerky gun, three attachments, and five spices."

$25 buys a lot of jerky at the truck stop.

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Sunday, December 7, 2008

Spoons Too Complicated?

Who really has so much trouble with pancakes that you need a $30 gizmo to replace a spoon or measuring cup? The spoon and cup you ALREADY HAVE! So when you use for's FREE! Where are you going to find space for this - and look at all the parts to wash! I can hear my Mom now.....

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OK, so Fire inside is OK if it's some Eastern tradition?

Good way to set something on fire...

"Flying Wish Paper! Start a new holiday tradition with family and friends! Write it, light it, let it fly!"

Yes, it FLIES!! Be sure to watch the video of it being used INSIDE! The flaming paper flies all over.

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Oh, THAT'S How to Pass Germs More Efficiently!

In case your guests didn't get a cold from your sneezing in the dip, or greeting all the other guests, or from your molding the cheese ball.....this will ensure that every germ from your kids' germy hands gets on every gumdrop and that any airborne pathogens are caught in the branches and stuck on the gummy gumdrops in this gumdrop tree.

Kookaburra not included! ("Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree, Merry merry king of the bush is he, Laugh Kookaburra, laugh Kookaburra, Gay your life must be. Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree, Eating all the gumdrops he can see; Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra, Leave some gums for me ")

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Don't You Have Socks?

Remember, posts must be for things that even if useful may be done without a new separate gizmo. Here's a good example. I'm all for multitasking, but if I want to dust my floors, that's what the old atheletic socks are for. When they look grungy I toss in hamper. Same as these dusting slippers but cheaper! For $10 I can buy a pack of 10 cheap socks! And - BONUS! - the socks can be worn as socks! These slippers cannot be worn for any other purpose and once they are dirty you have to wash, you can't keep walking around in them like slippers with rubber or leather soles.
Plus, they look stupid.

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If there's no fire danger, where's the fun?!

The point of S'mores isn't that they are good - they are not - but that you get to learn to build a fire ("no that's a bush not a weed you can't cut it down!"), find a stick ("don't point that at your sister!"), wave flaming (oops) marshmallows around, eat some of the chocolate bars ("you won't have any left!" "Mom, she ate mine!"), and drop the whole ashen thing on the ground.

Doing it in the microwave is sooooo beside the point!!!! I despair for kids in a house where this is considered a good idea. I bet the kids get shellacked or laminated every day and wrapped in bubble wrap and are only allowed a snack when they set out matching plates and brush their hair in case there's a cute photo for the scrapbook.

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"Why Don't You Just Walk In There?!"

I can hear my mom - with a raised ironic voice - telling me not to yell to my brother and sister. It went like this:
(Mom) "Call your brother and sister to dinner."
(Mom) "I could have have done that!"
(Me) "Then why didn't you?"
(Mom) "AAANNNNEEE!!!!"
(Me) "Now, who's yelling!?"

With this intercom gadget, we would not have been able have this running gag every day!

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When You're Too Weak to Lift a Feather

"Does the work for you!" it you have problems getting tired waving a .5 ounce duster around? Then get one with batteries that spins!

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Pamper Your Towels

At least other kinds of towel warmers double as a place to HANG your towel too. This is just more junk taking up space. Who has room - and a spare outlet - in the bathroom for this "towel spa"?! So here's my question: do people with $80 to spend on warming towels have bathrooms so unheated that they need the towel to warm them? If the bathroom is cold, get a space heater - those using restroom for things other than baths would appreciate it!

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Why You Are Fat

So now you can order pizza while watching TV (from your TIVO) without having to stretch to the coffee table to pick up your phone with the pizza number already programmed in.....

Now, if they invent a gizmo where you can point remote at something on a TV show and order it....that would really let you have instant gratification every time you experience the power of suggestions.....cheeseburger, wine, hooker....

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Reusable Burning Cross

I suppose this light up cross could in fact be useful for repeat offending KKK members who don't want to spew carbon into the atmosphere or cut down any more trees... now how to sneak up to someone's house and find an outdoor plug and their extension cord before they notice you and get out their shotgun? Perhaps they will invent a battery powered one....

Update: Jon Stewart gets on the case...

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Unless You're Missing Hands... should not get this battery operated whisk.

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Hand-Eye Coordination Problem?

I love that someone both needs to have the crackers in a neat swirl AND needs an unbreakable dish....what party has both people who obsess over presentation AND people who throw dishes?!

If you do have such parties, this dish will help. Not only is it not that hard to quickly pour out a roll of crackers into a swirl (they start out all stacked up don't they? And if they don't you have to do it one by one into this dish anyway?)...but when you need to refill, you'll be pushing the crackers back into place after people have grabbed from the middle and really is that any easier than a regular plate?

But most of all it seems ridiculous because you can't use this dish for anything else!

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Monday, October 6, 2008

This Will Ruin My Diet!

Clever, but the only way to avoid eating the whole bag of chips is to find out they are stale!

Usually, I can tell the bread is bad by the mold spots and the chips are bad when they taste bad. Trust me, it's a good thing if you're not reminded to finish that 2 lb bag of Ruffles Sour Cream and shouldn't have opened it in the first place!

"Date-Minder Clips - Keep food fresher...and track the date you opened it. No more serving stale chips, crackers or cookies. Date-Minder Clips not only seal up bags, they also take the guessing out of when they were opened. "

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

Rare Find - Something Useful!

I first thought this timer was going to be really silly. But then I realized you can have 5 timers going and know which dang pot they go with! Now, you shouldn't NEED a timer to know when the boiled potatoes are done (fork test), when the broccoli is steamed (bright green and still a bit of crisp with fork test to the stem), when the rice is done (taste), when the soup is hot (finger test!), but if you need some help and a reminder to go check on something in a crazy kitchen, this will work!

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Friday, October 3, 2008

So, What's Wrong with the Fridge?

Wow....$200 for an extra 18 inches of fridge. This small wine cooler allows you to spend one-third the price of a larger wine cooler on one that only holds one tenth the wine! Ok, so the fridge is too cold for whites and the counter too warm for reds so ....all you need is to take the white out the fridge for 15-20 minutes (or heck pour it and it will warm a bit in the glasses) and put the red in for 20 minutes (or heck in the freezer for 5 min) to chill a bit.

"Under-cabinet Wine Cooler - Keep four bottles ready to serve! Use vertically or horizontally. Red or white wine will be at ideal serving temperature when guests drop in! This under-cabinet wine cellar holds up to four bottles, leaving more room in the fridge for platters of hors d’oeuvres. And it frees up counter space because it mounts under or alongside the cabinet!"

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

More Hamburger Helper!

People are seriously lacking in motor skills and even judgment. In addition to earlier hamburger patty making contraptions, here's one that's SIZABLE!!

Really, this is crazy.

"Adjust-A-Burger - Perfect size and shape for portion control and even cooking.
There’s no more “ Who wants the big (or small) burger?” Not when you use Adjust-A-Burger to measure and shape them. You’ll save time forming patties, and they’ll cook evenly and fit the bun perfectly. You’ll also know just how much (or little) you’re eating."

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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Monogram Your Future Trash!

I have never ever understood "guest towels." These are basically heavy grade paper napkins you put in the powder room for hand-drying. They say to me, "Thanks for visiting my home, but I don't want your grubby hands - that you maybe only rinsed and didn't use soap on - to dirty my pretty cloth towels I hung nearby only for decor and anyway I put so much fabric softener in that they don't absorb any water anyway." These you can buy with a monogram!

What's wrong with a regular, you know, CLOTH towel?! It's one of those "if you're the kind of person who would buy this wouldn't you have classier friends than those who wouldn't use soap and who would have a maid to wash the towels?" 50 napkins for $30. That would buy you a few hand towels with years of use in them!

If you're having lots of people over, put out 2 or 3 towels! Cuz, yeah, you don't want to find a damp, crumpled one is the only towel in the bathroom. (OK, let's review: yes, you have to replace your personal bath towel with clean fresh hand towels if you're having guests over and just have the one bathroom! Geez, people, spend $5 at BedBath&Beyond for some grownup hand towels!)

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Mini Fridge for Lipstick!

So if you're rich enough to buy cosmetics that are expensive enough to want to keep from spoiling (!?), wouldn't your HOUSE be climate controlled? I guess if you wanted to take your powder to the pool cabana, this could be useful.

Climate-controlled Cosmetics Case

"Our Climate-controlled Cosmetics Case is the ultimate home for your premium skin care products. Store your precious creams, moisturizers, and more in this whisper-quiet, climate-controlled case that prolongs effectiveness, prevents deterioration, and ensures ease and comfort of application."

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Anti-Green Appliance

OK, so I don't live in Minnesota or Upstate New York, so maybe there's something to this product, but honestly, I've always tossed my wet shoes in front of the fridge where the warm exhaust comes out under the door. Sure, you can't fit but two pairs, but neither can this $95 Boot and Clothes Dryer. But the fridge is already running and using the exhaust is enviro-friendly!

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

What's Wrong with Using Your Finger?!

OK, so you should use your knife or another utensil, but seriously you should not buy a $16 fork.

"Stainless Steel Serving Fork - Just squeeze this fork, and food is released.

No more awkward fumbling at the buffet table! Guests will have an easier time helping themselves to platters of food—a simple squeeze of the handle instantly releases food to their plates. "

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The $200 Zip-Loc Bag

Why just throw meat and marinade in a ziploc into the fridge, when you can fire up this baby! Apparently it tumbles the food......what, you can't shakeshakeshake that bag?! I guess there's some suction vacuum thing that makes it work faster. To save $200 I'll work on just remembering to do the marinade in the morning.

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Monday, September 15, 2008

Update: Now You Can Spend $600 on Margaritas

And I thought it wasn't possible to top this.....

But the good folks at Frontgate will save you from having any unused storage space and having extra cash in the bank.

Just buy this updated frozen margarita machine.

The copy is priceless...

Tahiti Margaritaville Frozen Drink Machine

Our Tahiti Margaritaville Frozen Drink Machine is the ultimate bartender. It features three 24-ounce blending jars to create multiple frozen drinks at the same time.

  • Rotating ice hopper sends shaved ice to all 3 blending jars
  • 6 fully automatic, preprogrammed drink settings take the guesswork out of making delectable frozen drinks
  • Also great for healthy drinks like smoothies
  • Tropical bamboo accents for that island feeling in your home

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

Useless Kids Can't Even Build Own Forts?!

I'm trying to figure out what house doesn't have chairs and sheets and brooms and other implements needed to build forts or's without IMAGINATION but with OVERLY ORDERLY psycho-moms. Good thing they can buy one and further stunt their child's development. Hopefully every persnickety mom can find something to match the decor.

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Friday, September 12, 2008

Because They Stopped Giving Out Bags at the Stores?

Reduce, reuse, something that looks like you reused? Not sure this last step helps. These are cute bags, but really, that's what the shopping bag is FOR! Why buy a paper bag?

Take the $32 and spend on "crap from the gap" and you will ALSO get a handy dandy bag!

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Saturday, September 6, 2008

Hard Hat for Hair Dryer

I'm running out of witticism for this blog....who needs it when the products are so hilarious?! Like this protector for your hair dryer

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Friday, September 5, 2008

How Many Rolls of Masking Tape and Sharpies Would $19.95 Buy?

So for that price, I get ONE of these digital "days ago" timers to tell me when to throw stuff out of the fridge? Seriously? Throw it out when it's hairy or you want to puke when you open it. If it has vinegar in!

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Gee, I wish I felt like I were on a rubber raft....

So, an inflatable mattress is a good idea - deflates for storage, cheap, cover with sleeping bag or sheets and children can have a sleep over. If you don't have extra bedroom and want comfortable guestbed, a really nice one can be had. But I don't think any grownup should ever have to sit on inflatable furniture. And socialize.

"Why settle for just an inflatable queen size bed when you can have the 5 in 1 Sofa Bed! It is more than just an inflatable bed, it is also a greater value for your money! The 5 in 1 Sofa Bed is the ultimate sleeping and seating solution. It will provide you with more space in small living quarters and also give you a great place to sleep. The 5 in 1 Sofa Bed will make a great addition to any living room, bedroom, guest room, recreation room or any studio apartment."

Every time you spend money at this level $99.95 for something that is temporary, tasteless, and ridiculous, you are $99 away from buying something reasonable! Here's a tip: buy what you really want and if you can't afford that, save money buy making do without, buying the absolute cheapest thing you can, or buying something you can later re-purpose downward (eg lawn furniture used inside until you can afford the dining room set).

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Better Stay Out of the Kitchen

More from the Land of Incompetents! If making big hamburgers is hard, the how about little ones? HARDER!

The video on website is priceless - that person should stay away from heat and sharp objects!
The best part is that the only thing "hard" about making mini hamburgers (aka "sliders") is that you can't buy buns for them. But there's NO MENTION of how to get the mini buns on the website!!!

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Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Overstimulated Kids Edition

But how do you shake the television?!

Now I've seen everything. An Etch-a-Sketch for your TV.....

Words fail....

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Monday, September 1, 2008

When Any Old Hand-Me-Down Box Won't Do

Ok, I admit the copy on this site is clever and it is ecologically sound (except for the shipping of course!) but this is pretty silly. BUYING a cardboard box for your kid to play in. Way to teach imagination, creativity, and self-sufficiency.

There's a reason kids love boxes - they can be anything! It's a running gag in the comic Red and Rover with the kid making up new ways to use the box.

But that's what you got at FridgeBox! Even comes in the right shapes. Jeez.... I know I rail against stuff you don't need but at least get it free and local if you have to have it. Try or to find community near you - someone is always getting rid of boxes!

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Sunday, August 17, 2008

More Knife Replacements

Now you have a special knife for the bagel that doesn't work on anything else. Who knew spreading a bagel was so hard?

"Peanut Butter and Jelly Bagel Knife. Bagel knife has river-shaped grooves to hold peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese or even regular butter unto the knife. With the extra long handle and tool, you don't need to worry about your hands or fingers getting messy. There's even a serrated edge to easily slice through the bread. "

If there's one per vegetable you're going to need more storage. Reminds me of a great exhibit I saw of the overboard silverware being bought by nouveau riche to show off. Different forks for every food!

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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

More Knife Replacements

And apparently mushrooms are too difficult to handle with a mere knife.

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More Knife Replacements

And for herbs.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

More Knife Replacements

And here's something just for getting seeds out of peppers.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What's Wrong With A Knife?

And now nominees for item most easily replaced with a knife or maybe in a pinch, a vegetable peeler. This is just for peeling asparagus.

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More Unruly Food in Need of Being Cut Down to Size

And instead of a knife that you can use on anything, here's a thing-a-ma-jig just for carrots.

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More Knife Replacements

here's one just for green beans.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

More Unruly Food in Need of Being Cut Down to Size

Apparently cutting butter is tough too. I so want to be in the room of that product development meeting. "So, we have been hearing from customers that they are having trouble with butter knives not cutting the butter so we developed a butter cutter." "Wow, that is classy looking and convenient!" Jeez.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

More Knife Replacements

Bananas can't be this hard to cut, can they? They are soft..... But maybe some people can't wait 5 seconds for mom to finish cutting the bananas for cereal. Or can't stand the uneven width slices. Those people should be checked out by a professional. Or for $4 they can lose something else in the back of the drawer.

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A Dollar a Folder - Office Supplies on Estrogen

I actually think most of the products at this website are pretty and well designed. If you have a friend with an office supply fetish, class up her desk with gifts from here. What I don't get is the need for these "life organization" kits. What's wrong with file folders and envelopes? I suppose it's part of the mystique of places like Container Store that offer the illusion of organization with the fun of shopping. Sort of like when you tell yourself that buying a cute new workout outfit will make you get up early and go to the gym....yeah right.

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Friday, August 8, 2008

I Think This is a Joke...right?

I truly hope no one really feels a need for this product - an automatic tape dispenser.

"Why waste time yanking and slicing your own tape off a roll when you could have our Electronic Tape Dispenser do it for you? Now that's efficiency! Simply push a button and the tape comes out automatically -- you can even adjust the length of the pieces. Here at Wishingfish we do a LOT of taping -- this little guy's our fave new office gadget! The hi-tech primary colors brighten any desk, and the transparent case shows off the inner workings. You'll find yourself watching with glee as the gears spin! Features suction cups on the base to keep it in place. Great for crafts and wrapping gifts! Requires 4 AA batteries "

I think the requirement for batteries is a pretty good way to know if you're getting something you don't need. The Scotch tape pop-ups are more expensive to buy but don't require batteries and are designed for the one time you really need a one-handed operation - gift wrapping.

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

Too Lazy to Use an Ice Cream Cone?

Why are kids fat? They eat ice cream but don't expend any calories turning the cone.....this is by far the most ridiculous reason for batteries.

"Takes a licking -- keeps ice cream from dripping! The Motorized Ice Cream Cone is a super-cool gadget that embodies summer fun (and a little bit of laziness). Simply load the removable dish with your favorite flavor of ice cream, push the button and the powerful motor turns your frozen treat while you sit back and enjoy. No more licking around the edges of a messy, dripping cone! Fun for kids of all ages. Requires two AA batteries"

Isn't getting dripped on by an ice cream cone part of the fun of summer?

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Too Lazy to Turn a Stick.....

Lazy kids are the most annoying. Here's something that rotates your marshmallows for you. Isn't the point of marshmallow toasting finding a stick, whittling it without cutting yourself, holding over fire, setting it on fire, having your dad tell you to put it over the coals instead, trying again, having the stick droop and you get ash on your marshmallow....? That's the way I remember it!

"Perfectly toasted marshmallows are only a push-button away with our automatic, hand-held rotisserie! This ingenious handy gadget features three revolving prongs so you can evenly cook three marshmallows at once over the heat source of your choice. So grab a bag, make your own s'mores or simply enjoy the gooey, sweet treats all by themselves -- yum! A fun finish for outdoor barbeques and a special treat over an indoor fire. Great for camping, too! A perfect gift for Dad and a must for anyone who loves outdoor entertaining. Takes 4 AA batteries. Measures 18-1/2" long."

My fires were always too big/hot for 18 inches to be far enough away to keep from getting burned.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

If We Have So Many Plastic Bags....Why Not Use Them?!

Here's another overkill product where a plastic bag will suffice! $30 buys a lot of plastic bags.

"The Umbrella Pocket is a handy nylon pouch sized to stow folding umbrellas and keeps wet umbrellas separate from dry items. Each pocket comes with adjustable straps that allow it to be attached easily to any bag."

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Monday, August 4, 2008

Child Labor Takes Place of Your Time Waster!

Call the human rights police! Someone is so lazy they are paying children in China to make their own rubber band balls! Yup, pre-made rubber band balls. What am I supposed to waste time doing while on the phone if this is already done for me? Is someone making mangled paper clips? Can you buy premade paper footballs? Pads with doodles already on the margins? I fear to search the interwebs and find such products....

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Sunday, August 3, 2008

Is Your Nose Bored?

I have to wonder if this is made up to make women look stupid. Febreeze "Scentstories!" Cute pun. It seems to be a "CD" player that plays cards that have smelly spots on them. If you want nice smells, aren't there really small, simple, low profile options that go right in the outlet. I appreciate that candles are dangerous but, this is astonishingly superfluous. Someone who has the extra $30 for this should give it to the soup kitchen. Explain to me why you need a smelly CD player more than someone needs a meal.
"Play scents like you play music: Select the disc you want to play, insert it into the player, close the lid and push play. As the disc plays, a quiet fan rotates through five scents, one every 30 minutes over the course of 2.5 hours. The player shuts off automatically after all five scents have been played. You can stop the player or skip through the scent tracks at any time. Discs are interchangeable and reusable. Each disc theme uses five complementary scents to create a rich, engaging scent experience. Because the scents change every 30 minutes, your nose never gets bored."

You have to read some of the comments for added humor.

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Saturday, August 2, 2008

What is Wrong With My Tap Water Now?

So you want to drink more water, and you like kool-aid crystal light powdered stuff. You clearly need this Pur faucet water filter that adds flavor to your water!

I suppose this is useful if you only like one flavor.

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