Can't You Get Free Boxes from the Liquor Store?

Herewith only supposedly helpful useful things that just cost more money than simple alternative of a box and are not dual-purpose with anything else.

Item One: the Wreath Storage bag....It's unclear to me how this is superior to a BOX! A box can be stacked at least.Item 2: another item easily replaced by a box. A gift wrap storage device.
Ok why do you need this? From the product page: "Fit all your wrapping supplies in one, easy-to-carry bag. This Christmas gift wrap keeper has easy-to-access pockets, wrapping paper, and ribbon dispensers to help you wrap faster. Plus, it boasts these convenient features:

• End zipper fits a regular sized bag of bows
• Three expandable filing pockets keep your greeting cards organized and ready for the next big event
• A side pocket has plenty of room for pens, tape, and scissors
• Includes pockets specifically designed for pens, tape, and scissors, so they stay where they belong
• Ribbon dispenser safely keeps 10-15 rolls of ribbon ready to unroll and cut at any time
• There's no need to put the ribbon away after you get what you need; just dispense what you want, cut, and go
• A special pocket holds hang tags, gift tags, tissue paper, and more
• Store 15-20 rolls of 40" wrapping paper
• Exclusive front load paper dispenser keeps one 40" wrap ready to roll and cut at all times
• Simply put the wrapping paper in the specially re-enforced pocket and you're ready to pull, cut, and wrap at a moments notice."

Item 3: An all-purpose "holiday" storage bag. Another candidate for replacement by a box.

I'm not irrational, though! I am willing to tolerate Christmas ornament storage boxes that have insert dividers to keep ornaments from bumping each other and breaking.

Item 4: Ribbons apparently need their own box. Who except the gift wrapper at the department store before Christmas needs such a thing? I'll allow you to have lots of ribbons. You can even be neat and put a rubber band around each roll to keep them from getting tangled up. But this? This is Sleeping-With-the-Enemy, Martha Stewart, OCD level neat!


Item 5:
I thought shoes came in boxes?
Item 6: Apparently women aren't the only ones who want cute little boxes for things. Men now want to be able to load a charcoal grill without getting their nantucket reds or Tommy Hilfiger shirts dirty. Puh-lease. Put it in a plastic bag for moisture protection.
I am sure there's enough silliness in the outdoor grilling accessories market for another post. But I should go ahead and point out as a public service announcement that this is not the way to start a charcoal grill. This is.

Unnecessary Electricity Usage Edition:

My favorite overblown power tool..... the escalator.
The escalator can go up or down, true.

But stairs have the advantage of being infinitely scalable in speed, simultaneously going up and down, adjusting automatically to the needs of users going either direction, and never breaking down.

Some people would be lost without escalators. Others would just lose weight. An elevator for people with rolling luggage or strollers would do the trick and be only one thing to have to keep running.

According to specifications and OSHA and such, escalators are not stairs and cannot be considered stairs and walking on them cannot be encouraged as the rise/run are too long and out of code.

Stimulus Package Edition: Things We NEED for Problems We HAVE

Apparently SC Governor Mark Sanford thinks his state does not need a stimulus package. This is in spite of the state's unemployment numbers (second worst in country) and consistent bottom-3 rankings in education, health, environment, wealth....

Here's the letter I sent Sanford:

Governor,

I am appalled that you are willing to sacrifice the economic future of our state to preen in front of Grover Norquist and Rush Limbaugh. Who do you think you are? This reactionary, narrow-minded, purist conservative philosophy of total reliance on the market and blaming the poor has been thoroughly trashed by the current near-depression.

You had an opportunity to show leadership, to build up SC, and maybe even to salvage the bankrupt Republican party by having new ideas for new realities. Instead, you fell back into the narrow politics of the provincial, racist, holier-than-thou Republican office holders who control the state legislature. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, since a person can only act at the level they can think.

You should be ashamed of yourself. I am ashamed of seeing my State looking so ridiculous while education, economic production, environment, and health continue to remain at the bottom of all measures in the country.

I will be sending a very large check to anyone who challenges you in the next election - or to a fistfight.

Sincerely,
Anne Laurence

Don't You Still Get These Free?!

I could swear I get three new yellowpages a year! Why buy one for a booster seat made from petroleum based product?!

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Launcher!

Give me a break! A gizmo to toss paper airplanes? How many future engineers will play with this and decide "aerodynamics? who needs to learn THAT!? just power through it!" The point of the airplane making is teaching patience, symmetry, care, aim, wind-awareness, lift, etc.

I just have to say it....if you buy this for your kid....you're a bad father. really.

Not Man Enough for a Nail Gun...

....try the self hammering hammer...

Seriously! - this thing is $100! And it does not have a claw to remove nails, so good luck with that if you put it in the wrong spot! Plus, you can't use for all the other things you do with a hammer.....you know what I mean!

So you pay a lot, get fewer functions........and solve a problem that a quick bit of practice would fix (hold the hammer at the end not choking it, and keep your eye on the nail....sheez)

Smaller is More Expensive

So this itty bitty microwave costs $149. I found regular sized ones for that much.
So explain to me where you have an office setting, with sufficient reliable power, room to put a microwave safely on a desk.....and yet do not have room for a more versatile and useful larger model?!

Because Cans Come in 12 Packs

One day I'll total up all the cooler-type gizmos and see what the cost is and compare to the cost of a fridge and the cubic footage.

This Drink-O-Matic has room for only 10 cans.....so what do you do with the other two?

Yet Another Refrigerator Substitute

I am stunned....we have cracked the $1000 ceiling at Don't Need, Don't Have. A wine bottle chiller for only three bottles - Sky Bar - avoids the hassle of tilting bottles to pour them.


I think my last fridge cost half that....and held a lot more than three bottles of wine.

Laptops without Laps

It is amazing to think there are people who still don't know that if you sit down, you make a lap! For them, there's a way to use a laptop finally! This desk will eliminate the need to figure out how to form a lap.

More Abuse of the French

As if having "highway paint" mustard labeled "French's" isn't insulting enough, here's another wine gizmo requiring power.....and it is blamed on the French. Sacre bleu! A good French waiter can open wine with the simplest of corkscrews.

Keep Your Bathroom Counter Space Pinned Down

The best part of this ad for a mascara warmer is that it contains the info you need to avoid buying it! "For many years, Hollywood makeup artists used hot blow dryers to get the smoothest consistency."

Safe Place to Store $400

Just in case you're worried about your bank, this is a good way to store $400. A feng shui compass to help you organize your house.

Who knew how hard it was to avoid blocking doorways and windows and make sure you can see TV from the couch?!

Post-Christmas Recession Blues

So many useless items were left on shelves this season. Is there something in the stimulus package for SkyMall?

Every year my family gets consumable goodies, a donation to a charity they (and I!) support, and a page out of SkyMall labeled "what you are not getting this year."

I've never had someone say they wish I'd gotten them the cooler scooter instead of a donation to the animal shelter.

When 7-11 Is Out of Beef Jerky.....

Wow.... wow...Make your own jerky gizmo .....

"Spice up your snacking selection. This versatile kit lets you quickly and easily create your own jerky strips, sticks, or double strips. Add the included spices to your choice of ground meat for flavor that suits your tastes. Includes jerky gun, three attachments, and five spices."

$25 buys a lot of jerky at the truck stop.

Spoons Too Complicated?

Who really has so much trouble with pancakes that you need a $30 gizmo to replace a spoon or measuring cup? The spoon and cup you ALREADY HAVE! So when you use for pancakes...it's FREE! Where are you going to find space for this - and look at all the parts to wash! I can hear my Mom now.....

OK, so Fire inside is OK if it's some Eastern tradition?

Good way to set something on fire...

"Flying Wish Paper! Start a new holiday tradition with family and friends! Write it, light it, let it fly!"

Yes, it FLIES!! Be sure to watch the video of it being used INSIDE! The flaming paper flies all over.

Oh, THAT'S How to Pass Germs More Efficiently!

In case your guests didn't get a cold from your sneezing in the dip, or greeting all the other guests, or from your molding the cheese ball.....this will ensure that every germ from your kids' germy hands gets on every gumdrop and that any airborne pathogens are caught in the branches and stuck on the gummy gumdrops in this gumdrop tree.


Kookaburra not included! ("Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree, Merry merry king of the bush is he, Laugh Kookaburra, laugh Kookaburra, Gay your life must be. Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree, Eating all the gumdrops he can see; Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra, Leave some gums for me ")

Don't You Have Socks?

Remember, posts must be for things that even if useful may be done without a new separate gizmo. Here's a good example. I'm all for multitasking, but if I want to dust my floors, that's what the old atheletic socks are for. When they look grungy I toss in hamper. Same as these dusting slippers but cheaper! For $10 I can buy a pack of 10 cheap socks! And - BONUS! - the socks can be worn as socks! These slippers cannot be worn for any other purpose and once they are dirty you have to wash, you can't keep walking around in them like slippers with rubber or leather soles.
Plus, they look stupid.

If there's no fire danger, where's the fun?!

The point of S'mores isn't that they are good - they are not - but that you get to learn to build a fire ("no that's a bush not a weed you can't cut it down!"), find a stick ("don't point that at your sister!"), wave flaming (oops) marshmallows around, eat some of the chocolate bars ("you won't have any left!" "Mom, she ate mine!"), and drop the whole ashen thing on the ground.

Doing it in the microwave is sooooo beside the point!!!! I despair for kids in a house where this is considered a good idea. I bet the kids get shellacked or laminated every day and wrapped in bubble wrap and are only allowed a snack when they set out matching plates and brush their hair in case there's a cute photo for the scrapbook.

"Why Don't You Just Walk In There?!"

I can hear my mom - with a raised ironic voice - telling me not to yell to my brother and sister. It went like this:
(Mom) "Call your brother and sister to dinner."
(Me) "PETER!!!!! SALLY!!!!! DIIIIIINNNNEEEERRRRR!"
(Mom) "I could have have done that!"
(Me) "Then why didn't you?"
(Mom) "AAANNNNEEE!!!!"
(Me) "Now, who's yelling!?"

With this intercom gadget, we would not have been able have this running gag every day!

When You're Too Weak to Lift a Feather

"Does the work for you!" it says.....do you have problems getting tired waving a .5 ounce duster around? Then get one with batteries that spins!

Pamper Your Towels

At least other kinds of towel warmers double as a place to HANG your towel too. This is just more junk taking up space. Who has room - and a spare outlet - in the bathroom for this "towel spa"?! So here's my question: do people with $80 to spend on warming towels have bathrooms so unheated that they need the towel to warm them? If the bathroom is cold, get a space heater - those using restroom for things other than baths would appreciate it!

Why You Are Fat

So now you can order pizza while watching TV (from your TIVO) without having to stretch to the coffee table to pick up your phone with the pizza number already programmed in.....


Now, if they invent a gizmo where you can point remote at something on a TV show and order it....that would really let you have instant gratification every time you experience the power of suggestions.....cheeseburger, wine, hooker....

Reusable Burning Cross

I suppose this light up cross could in fact be useful for repeat offending KKK members who don't want to spew carbon into the atmosphere or cut down any more trees... now how to sneak up to someone's house and find an outdoor plug and their extension cord before they notice you and get out their shotgun? Perhaps they will invent a battery powered one....



Update: Jon Stewart gets on the case...

Unless You're Missing Hands...

....you should not get this battery operated whisk.

Hand-Eye Coordination Problem?

I love that someone both needs to have the crackers in a neat swirl AND needs an unbreakable dish....what party has both people who obsess over presentation AND people who throw dishes?!

If you do have such parties, this dish will help. Not only is it not that hard to quickly pour out a roll of crackers into a swirl (they start out all stacked up don't they? And if they don't you have to do it one by one into this dish anyway?)...but when you need to refill, you'll be pushing the crackers back into place after people have grabbed from the middle and really is that any easier than a regular plate?

But most of all it seems ridiculous because you can't use this dish for anything else!

This Will Ruin My Diet!

Clever, but the only way to avoid eating the whole bag of chips is to find out they are stale!

Usually, I can tell the bread is bad by the mold spots and the chips are bad when they taste bad. Trust me, it's a good thing if you're not reminded to finish that 2 lb bag of Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar...you shouldn't have opened it in the first place!

"Date-Minder Clips - Keep food fresher...and track the date you opened it. No more serving stale chips, crackers or cookies. Date-Minder Clips not only seal up bags, they also take the guessing out of when they were opened. "

Rare Find - Something Useful!

I first thought this timer was going to be really silly. But then I realized you can have 5 timers going and know which dang pot they go with! Now, you shouldn't NEED a timer to know when the boiled potatoes are done (fork test), when the broccoli is steamed (bright green and still a bit of crisp with fork test to the stem), when the rice is done (taste), when the soup is hot (finger test!), but if you need some help and a reminder to go check on something in a crazy kitchen, this will work!

So, What's Wrong with the Fridge?

Wow....$200 for an extra 18 inches of fridge. This small wine cooler allows you to spend one-third the price of a larger wine cooler on one that only holds one tenth the wine! Ok, so the fridge is too cold for whites and the counter too warm for reds so ....all you need is to take the white out the fridge for 15-20 minutes (or heck pour it and it will warm a bit in the glasses) and put the red in for 20 minutes (or heck in the freezer for 5 min) to chill a bit.


"Under-cabinet Wine Cooler - Keep four bottles ready to serve! Use vertically or horizontally. Red or white wine will be at ideal serving temperature when guests drop in! This under-cabinet wine cellar holds up to four bottles, leaving more room in the fridge for platters of hors d’oeuvres. And it frees up counter space because it mounts under or alongside the cabinet!"

More Hamburger Helper!

People are seriously lacking in motor skills and even judgment. In addition to earlier hamburger patty making contraptions, here's one that's SIZABLE!!

Really, this is crazy.

"Adjust-A-Burger - Perfect size and shape for portion control and even cooking.

There’s no more “ Who wants the big (or small) burger?” Not when you use Adjust-A-Burger to measure and shape them. You’ll save time forming patties, and they’ll cook evenly and fit the bun perfectly. You’ll also know just how much (or little) you’re eating."

Monogram Your Future Trash!

I have never ever understood "guest towels." These are basically heavy grade paper napkins you put in the powder room for hand-drying. They say to me, "Thanks for visiting my home, but I don't want your grubby hands - that you maybe only rinsed and didn't use soap on - to dirty my pretty cloth towels I hung nearby only for decor and anyway I put so much fabric softener in that they don't absorb any water anyway." These you can buy with a monogram!

What's wrong with a regular, you know, CLOTH towel?! It's one of those "if you're the kind of person who would buy this wouldn't you have classier friends than those who wouldn't use soap and who would have a maid to wash the towels?" 50 napkins for $30. That would buy you a few hand towels with years of use in them!

If you're having lots of people over, put out 2 or 3 towels! Cuz, yeah, you don't want to find a damp, crumpled one is the only towel in the bathroom. (OK, let's review: yes, you have to replace your personal bath towel with clean fresh hand towels if you're having guests over and just have the one bathroom! Geez, people, spend $5 at BedBath&Beyond for some grownup hand towels!)

Mini Fridge for Lipstick!

So if you're rich enough to buy cosmetics that are expensive enough to want to keep from spoiling (!?), wouldn't your HOUSE be climate controlled? I guess if you wanted to take your powder to the pool cabana, this could be useful.

Climate-controlled Cosmetics Case

"Our Climate-controlled Cosmetics Case is the ultimate home for your premium skin care products. Store your precious creams, moisturizers, and more in this whisper-quiet, climate-controlled case that prolongs effectiveness, prevents deterioration, and ensures ease and comfort of application."

Anti-Green Appliance

OK, so I don't live in Minnesota or Upstate New York, so maybe there's something to this product, but honestly, I've always tossed my wet shoes in front of the fridge where the warm exhaust comes out under the door. Sure, you can't fit but two pairs, but neither can this $95 Boot and Clothes Dryer. But the fridge is already running and using the exhaust is enviro-friendly!

What's Wrong with Using Your Finger?!

OK, so you should use your knife or another utensil, but seriously you should not buy a $16 fork.

"Stainless Steel Serving Fork - Just squeeze this fork, and food is released.

No more awkward fumbling at the buffet table! Guests will have an easier time helping themselves to platters of food—a simple squeeze of the handle instantly releases food to their plates. "

The $200 Zip-Loc Bag

Why just throw meat and marinade in a ziploc into the fridge, when you can fire up this baby! Apparently it tumbles the food......what, you can't shakeshakeshake that bag?! I guess there's some suction vacuum thing that makes it work faster. To save $200 I'll work on just remembering to do the marinade in the morning.

Update: Now You Can Spend $600 on Margaritas

And I thought it wasn't possible to top this.....

But the good folks at Frontgate will save you from having any unused storage space and having extra cash in the bank.

Just buy this updated frozen margarita machine.

The copy is priceless...

Tahiti Margaritaville Frozen Drink Machine

Our Tahiti Margaritaville Frozen Drink Machine is the ultimate bartender. It features three 24-ounce blending jars to create multiple frozen drinks at the same time.

• Rotating ice hopper sends shaved ice to all 3 blending jars
• 6 fully automatic, preprogrammed drink settings take the guesswork out of making delectable frozen drinks
• Also great for healthy drinks like smoothies
• Tropical bamboo accents for that island feeling in your home

Useless Kids Can't Even Build Own Forts?!

I'm trying to figure out what house doesn't have chairs and sheets and brooms and other implements needed to build forts or teepees.....oh....one's without IMAGINATION but with OVERLY ORDERLY psycho-moms. Good thing they can buy one and further stunt their child's development. Hopefully every persnickety mom can find something to match the decor.

Because They Stopped Giving Out Bags at the Stores?

Reduce, reuse, recycle.....buy something that looks like you reused? Not sure this last step helps. These are cute bags, but really, that's what the shopping bag is FOR! Why buy a paper bag?



Take the $32 and spend on "crap from the gap" and you will ALSO get a handy dandy bag!

Hard Hat for Hair Dryer

I'm running out of witticism for this blog....who needs it when the products are so hilarious?! Like this protector for your hair dryer